Choices
by Ali-Chan1
Summary: Ellie tells her story to a psychiatrist 4 years in the future. About how she and Sean found each other, and then lost each other in a short period of time. Complete
1. Chapter One

Chapter One  
  
"Ellie, right on time come in." Ellie's psychiatrist greets as 19-year-old Ellie walks into his office located in the mental institution she had checked herself into a year before.  
  
"Hello Doctor James." Ellie states taking the least comfortable chair in the office, her preference for the once weekly meetings they had.  
  
"I've received word that you are wanting to leave us here at St. Anne's." Doctor James was a friendly woman in her thirties and the only psychiatrist Ellie had ever felt she could open up to.  
  
Ellie nods, "I think I'm ready. I've forgiven myself for what happened 4 years ago."  
  
Doctor James nods, "you understand my condition though, correct?"  
  
Ellie nods, "you want me to tell you the entire story as to how I ended up here. Because we've never actually talked about it."  
  
Doctor James nods, "that's right. Did you want to start that today? Or do you want to wait until next week."  
  
"I want to start today. I need to get out of here by the 26th of March."  
  
"That's ten weeks away, ten sessions. Maybe setting a time limit on this isn't the best idea." Doctor James suggests.  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "I have to be out of here by then."  
  
"We'll see." Doctor James states, not committing to anything. "Would you like to begin?"  
  
Ellie nods.  
  
The year I turned 15 my father was gone and my life took a turn for the worse. My mother was an alcoholic, I've told you that, and my father ended up having to leave on a peace keeping missions leaving me alone with her. She was drinking all the time and I was stressed about an internship, and you know that's when I started cutting. My Mother died three months after my Dad left, the doctor said that it was alcohol poisoning and I wouldn't doubt it. She was drinking all the time.  
  
That brought my dad home running, he felt so guilty about leaving me alone with her. And he suggested that I start going to ala-teen and I decided to go instead of making waves. Besides I think it helped my Dad to feel less guilty.  
  
That's how I got to know Sean. You see Sean's parents were both alcoholics and they ended up leaving Sean in the care of his older brother, Tracker. But then, somewhere out of the blue Sean's dad shows up saying that he wants Sean to come back and live with him and his mother. Sean was actually considering it when his father got drunk again and Sean pretty much exploded. Telling his father that he wanted nothing to do with him and...so Tracker decided that Sean needed to come up with a way to deal with his anger toward his parents so that's when he suggests ala-teen to Sean.  
  
Ellie leans over resting her elbows on her knees taking a deep breath Doctor James can tell this is hard for her, "do you want to cut our session short today, Ellie?"  
  
Ellie nods, "is that all right?"  
  
"If it's what you want."  
  
Ellie nods, "I haven't actually talked to anyone about Sean for along time. It's hard."  
  
Doctor James nods, "that's fine. I will see you the same time next week." 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
AN: I'm sorry that the chapters are short but I don't want to reveal to much at one times so I'm just taking it slow, so if you call review and let me know what you think I would appreciate it!  
  
"Hello Ellie." Doctor James greets a week later as Ellie walks into her office and takes her usual seat.  
  
"Hello." Ellie's greeting is brief and the doctor can tell that she wants to say what she had come to say and get it over with.  
  
"So would you like to continue talking about our topic from last week or do you want to talk about something else?" Doctor James questions.  
  
"The same topic, please." Ellie states and the doctor can't help but notice she seems a lot more calm then she had the week before.  
  
"Then please, continue." Doctor James urges, leaning forward to catch Ellie's always soft voice.  
  
Sean and I actually started Ala-teen on the same night, which is just luck of chance because there are two meetings a night six times a week at the local community center that puts the meetings on. I guess that's basically saying there are either a lot of teens with drunk parents in the area I live in, or they just figured we needed all the help we could get...I guess it doesn't matter either way. But I was beyond scared when I saw Sean there the first night, I almost walked out, but I knew my dad was waiting in the parking lot to make sure I went to my first meeting, so I just tried to avoid him.  
  
Sean and I weren't friends. We were barely even acquaintances, yes we hung out in the same circles, occasionally when he wasn't hanging out with his new friends , a bunch of trouble making older kids that I considered losers. Well I guess my opinion of who they used to be hasn't exactly changed. Anyway it didn't matter how much I didn't want to be in the same meetings with him, I didn't have a choice. I had to go to the last meeting on Saturday nights because nothing else fit into my schedule.   
  
I don't really remember the first meeting, I've been to so many counseling sessions since that one they all just tend to blur together. But what I do remember from that evening was how defensive I was when I bumped into Sean outside of the small classroom where our meetings were being held. It wasn't that he was doing anything wrong, I was just angry at him for having to pick to come to these meetings in particular and how he'd been present to hear how I admitted what my mother died of. Thus making Sean the only one in school, or at least in the student body, to know how she died and that scared the hell out of me. I was a very private person back then, more so than I am right now, and I didn't want anyone to know my business. My best friend didn't even know how she died, so I sure as hell didn't want some near stranger to go around telling people one of my many secrets.  
  
So that night I stopped Sean on our way out and completely tore into him. I told him that if he ever told anyway what I had said in that meeting, or any future meetings we just happened to attend together then I would deny it all. And at the end of that I strung together a whole stream of threats including suspension, nothing I could actually promise but I was scared. Sean took off then, and it wasn't until much later that sleepless night that I actually realized that I had probably offended him with my distrust in him and believing that he would feed the grapevine.  
  
Ellie stops for a long while then, staring at her hands so Doctor James breaks into her thoughts hoping her words would encourage her to talk. "Sean seems like someone you didn't trust from the start."  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "I didn't trust anyone then." She laughs sardonically, "I guess I don't exactly trust anyone now. But for awhile Sean was actually the only person I trusted."  
  
Doctor James nods, "don't get ahead of yourself though. You need to talk out all of the details so you understand them fully."  
  
"You we be finished for today?" Ellie questions.  
  
Doctor James nods, "if that's what you want."  
  
"I have a headache, I don't really want to go on anymore."  
  
"Ellie you only have to say as much or as little in these meetings as you want. You don't need to stress of this in anyway possible. If you are stressing you need to come see me about it."  
  
Ellie nods, "but I'm not stressing. I just have a little headache from not sleeping well last night, I like to think things through before I talk to you about them."  
  
Doctor James nods, "but don't loose to much sleep over this. So we're done?"  
  
Ellie nods, "I'll see you next week."  
  
Doctor James nods again, "all right Ellie, I'll see you next week." 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three:  
  
When Ellie walks into the Doctor James' office a week later she seems to be in better spirits, "hello doctor."  
  
"Hello Ellie."  
  
"You seem to be doing well today." Doctor James comments.  
  
Ellie nods, "I actually called my best-friend from school, Ashley. We had a long talk, she wants to see me when I get out of here."  
  
"Good, I think it will be good for you to get back in contact with old friends when you get out of here." As silence consumes the two Doctor James finally states, "you may began whenever you want."  
  
Ellie nods.  
  
I figured after what I had said to Sean he would not show up at that meeting again, I hadn't actually ended on being so harsh...not the point...but he didn't change meetings or anything. So the next week I was actually relieved. That's not to saw we spoke a lot, exchanged greetings and whatever after each meeting, maybe even share words of encouragement but we weren't friends by any means. At school, in the halls, we treated each other as if we didn't exist our mutual friends had nothing to do with each other anymore so we had nothing to say to each other in school.  
  
We made it a month into our weekly meetings before anyone even realized something was up. And once again it was Paige who got in the middle of my business, I'm not blaming her I'm just stating the facts. She'd seen me hug Sean after a particularly difficult meeting for both os us and the next Monday in school she absolutely had to know what was going on between me and Sean.  
  
I honestly had no idea what to tell her. I'm not a liar, or at least not a flat out make up a lie and tell it to someone. I did spent most of that year lie simply by omitting about 90% of everything to anyone who even cared about me slightly. But if you knew Paige you knew that if she thought she was into some juicy gossip she would sink her claws into you and not let you go until she had at least a morsel of anything, fact or not.  
  
She was actually the one who brought up the me and Sean dating thing. I had no idea what else to say so I just kind of shrugged and Paige had enough information to go with. She didn't need to know anything, that shrug had said enough, or at least enough for her. For the whole thirty seconds after, when my heart was pounding and I was shaking slightly, did I mention I don't like to have my secrets revealed, I didn't even think about the fact that this would spread like wildfires now that I had given Paige juicy gossip. It wasn't until nearly a minute after Paige took off that I realized that I may very well have destroyed both Sean and I. Just not in the way it ended up being.  
  
I figured it would be something like teenage mockery. Teenagers are not pleasant creatures by any means and if everyone in school got hold of the fact that I, the class overachiever/outcast/last boyfriend turned gay, was dating the class troublemaker there was going to be talk.   
  
Part of me didn't even care after that because all I knew was that the attention was taken off the truth and focused on a lie. And the other part of me did care because I'd dragged Sean into this without actually meaning to.  
  
"Ellie I hate to stop you there." Doctor James cuts in. "But our time is almost up."  
  
Ellie nods, "I guess I'm done anyway. I feel like I'm writing a book though with writers block, I know exactly what I want and need to say but I don't know how to say it."  
  
"You can't be pushed by these self appointed time constraints." Doctor James urges.  
  
"I know." Ellie nods.  
  
"What exactly is it that is so important."  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "I'll get there, soon."  
  
"Take your time." Doctor James states. 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four  
  
AN: I know, short chapters but at least I update a lot right?  
  
The instant Ellie walks into Doctor James' office a week later she immediately launches into the rest of her story. Obviously wanting to get in and get it over with.  
  
Where was I last week. Right, the day I made my stupid mistake. My entire life I had based on telling no lies, a moral my father planted in my head from a young age, granted as I got older a did start my lying by omission to protect myself. But I had honestly never lied to anyone, when I was covering for Marco it was him who was doing all the direct lying. So I should have known that the instant I started lying the basis of my entire world would fall out. And it did, it started crumbling that day.  
  
I rushed around all day looking for Sean, but unfortunately Sean and I didn't have any classes together and I really didn't get a chance to see him. But long before lunch I heard the rumors going around that Sean and I were dating and people kept coming up to me all day asking for verification, but when I would commit to anything everyone figured I was just being my usual loner self.   
  
Sean found me first that day at lunch and his expression was totally apologetic. He stated right away that he had nothing to do with the rumor and he didn't know how they got started, he just stated that someone must have seen them outside the community center on Saturday. I had to tell him, so I explained everything to him, about how I had basically let Paige believe that we were dating. That's when he stated that we needed to talk and dragged me out of the cafeteria away from all of the eyes that had been focused on us.  
  
Ellie falls silent then, takes a deep breath and then continues. Not talking so much about actually events but about her thoughts, something that Doctor James' rarely got out of her, even after a year of working with her.  
  
I hated that feeling, of everyone watching me. I was always so busy hiding secrets that I hated when any attention fell on me, afraid that everyone would be able to see through all of the walls I had put up around myself. This was way to much for me to cope with, if I had known before I spoke to Paige just how much the possibility of my having a boyfriend would stir up my entire grade I never would have said anything. It probably would have been better for me to have people whispering behind my back then to have them straight out staring at me...maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of control. And Sean wouldn't be in jail right now...  
  
An orderly bursting into the room stops Ellie from going any further, "I'm sorry Doctor James' I know you have a session but we have a code red on the second floor."  
  
"Ellie, dear, I'm so sorry to cut this short, I know we were getting somewhere today. But I want to reschedule for tomorrow."  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "our normal time will be all right."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
Ellie nods, "I'm sure." 


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five:  
  
"Ellie, I must apologize for our last meeting there was an emergency that I had to take care of." Doctor James states when Ellie walks into her office a week later.   
  
Ellie shrugs, "it's all right. No big deal really."  
  
"Well, then are you ready to begin?" Doctor James asks.  
  
Ellie nod, "all right, sure."  
  
Sean grabbed my arm and dragged me out of the cafeteria once I told him that I was the one who had started the rumors that we were going out. I must have flinched or something from the pain in my arms, not because of how hard he was holding my arm (it really wasn't that hard) but from the pain off the deep scratches on my arm being griped. Sean apologized right away, he thought he had hurt me, but I brushed him off telling him it was nothing.  
  
Ellie rubs the scars on her bare arms, almost if she could feel the pain inflicted nearly 5 years before.  
  
I started telling him then why I did what I did. About how I couldn't bare for the entire school or even just one person to know my secrets about my family and most of all about how my mother had died. Sean always seemed to understand everything about me, and this was one of those things as I explained all he did was nod along in understanding. I literally almost cried when he said that he would go along with it, and I quickly thanked him a million times over and quickly assured them that it wouldn't have to be for long, only long enough for everyone to stop carrying about us being together.  
  
"Sean went along with all of this without anything else?" Doctor James questions.  
  
Ellie nods, "he suggested it before I could even ask it of him."  
  
"So he made the choice to stage this fake relationship?"  
  
Ellie shrugs, "I sort of backed him into though."  
  
"Maybe. " Doctor James states, "but in the end he made the choice."  
  
"I guess."  
  
Sean tried to cover up his pity, I guess I knew Sean well enough to know that he hated to feel pity for anyone, he had to much respect for anyone to give them the pity he never wanted. Sean and I really had a lot in common. We both had alcoholic parents, both of his parents were alcoholics but most of all we both had lives that we hid from everyone. We both had secrets that even the people closest to us, his ex-girlfriend and my best friends, didn't understand or even know that they didn't know.  
  
Ellie leans back in her chair then, almost exhausted by her recount of a five minutes of her past.  
  
"You seemed to have strong feelings for Sean at this point in time."  
  
"Adoration, I think. I wasn't in love with him then, or maybe I was. I'm not exactly sure when I fell in love with Sean but I couldn't have felt stronger feelings for anyone at that point in time. As lame as this is going to sound but at that point in time he was my hero. Anyway, I think that's all I can do for now. Next week, all right?"  
  
Doctor James nods, "all right Ellie, I will see you next week. You are doing quite well."  
  
Ellie shrugs, "it's taking a long time."  
  
"It's a painful time period for you, it'll take some time." 


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six  
  
The next week when Ellie walked into Doctor James' office she looked tired and worn out, as if she hadn't slept.  
  
"Are you all right?" Doctor James inquires.  
  
Ellie shrugs, "I dreamt about Sean last night, before things were bad, and I couldn't go back to sleep."  
  
"We can cancel today's therapy session." Doctor James offers.  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "today's not a painful thought, it makes me smile to think about it, because we were having fun."  
  
"All right." Doctor James nods before Ellie begins.  
  
By the end of that week everyone at Degrassi knew that we were dating. The school wasn't that big so it didn't take long for word to get around the school. People were slightly shocked, Sean had been hanging out with a bad group of friends...  
  
Ellie shudders before continuing.  
  
...so everyone pretty much was shocked to find me going out with someone who was pretty much a troublemaker. But by the end of the week we were being roped into doing things couples were expected to do, like going out on dates. Craig was someone Sean had known since they both moved to Degrassi about the same time they were pretty good friends, or at least they had been until Sean started hanging out with...other people. Craig had also dating my best friend Ashley earlier that year, until he cheated on her, but he decided that he wanted Ashley back. To keep up appearances we ate lunch together that Friday and that's when Craig came up to us wanted to know if would go out with him and Ashley. He wanted things to go back to normal with the two of them but Ashley refused to spend any time alone time with him until she figured out if she could still even tolerate him. Neither one of us really wanted to go, I particularly was afraid that they would figured out our secret but Craig ended up convincing us to go with them. I started to apologize to Sean as soon as Craig left, Ashley and Craig weren't exactly his scene, but Sean seemed to figured out what I was apologizing for right away and he stopped me from even finishing the apology with the statement, "we're dating right?"  
  
Sean actually surprised me that day, 10 minutes before I had planned on leaving Sean showed up at my house. He said we should walk together, make it look like we were actually dating and we ended up walking to The Dot, where we were meeting, holding hands.  
  
"How do you think you were feeling for Sean then?" Doctor James asks once Ellie has made it clear that she is finished speaking.  
  
"I liked him." Ellie states, "I really did. I also think I was sort of entranced by him, I had really never met anyone like him before. When I dated Marco our relationship was a lie too, but with Sean it didn't feel like we were lying. It felt like we were actually dating, unlike with Marco who I always felt so guilty even being around. I think it was because I felt bad because I was helping Marco lie to himself, but with Sean we were actually able to be ourselves. We actually managed to talk the entire way to the Dot, something Marco and I hadn't been able to do for a long time."  
  
"It sounds like you and Sean had the makings of a good relationship."  
  
Ellie bites her lip and saying no more on that topic she states, "I don't want to talk anymore. I think I'm going to try to get some sleep." 


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven  
  
"Last week I was left of with the date right?" Ellie questions once she has settled into her normal chair.  
  
Doctor James nods, "that's right, are you going to talk about that more today?" When Ellie nods she asks, "from your expression it seems like it went well."  
  
Ellie nods, "in the end it did, but it kind of started out rocky."  
  
The beginning it was really awkward because both Sean and I were feeling extremely guilty about lying to Craig and Ashley, they had never lied to us and we hated lying to them. But as always Sean was protecting my pride and my feelings so he went along with it no matter how bad it was making him feel. Not to mention that Ashley wasn't exactly ready to forgive Craig for breaking her heart...so we spent a lot of time in silence at dinner. So when we decided that maybe dinner wasn't the best idea we headed to a movie. I can't remember what the movie was but I do remember that Ashley and Craig made out through the previews and then through the entire movie.   
  
By the time the movie ended Sean had to clear his throat to get Ashley and Craig's attention and we finally headed out of the house. Sean and I walked out of the movie, we both liked it so I guess that's what we talked about and it wasn't until we actually stopped that I realized, and Sean realize, that we had been holding hands the entire time.  
  
"You really seemed to have clicked well with Sean." Doctor James comments.  
  
Ellie nods, "we really did, almost immediately."  
  
Ash was spending the night that night so she and Craig kissed good-bye and made plans for the next day and Sean and I just simply hugged. The entire walk home she talked about how she didn't think she would ever have been able to forgive Craig. But then as we got closer to my house she brought up Sean. She went on and on about how shocked she was when she found out about me and Sean, although she was upset she heard about it form someone else, but she was happy for us she thought Sean seemed good for me. I said something about how it was mostly circumstances that put us together. Ashley seemed satisfied with this response and she went back to her favorite topic, her and Craig being back together.  
  
"So you think that it was circumstances that put you and Sean together?" Doctor James asks. "You don't think that you and Sean would have gotten together if Paige hadn't seen you after one of your meetings?"  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "Sean and I are so different we never would have come together on our own. I mean before all of this we barely acknowledged each other when we didn't have to at meetings. I should go, my dad is supposed to come visit today, I want to be ready for when he comes."  
  
Doctor James nods, "all right Ellie, take care and I will see you next week." 


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight  
  
When Ellie walked into Doctor James' office the next week her face looked white and drawn and Doctor James commented on it. Ellie responded with, "the rest of my sessions aren't going to be easy. Because by now I've started to fall in love with Sean and it isn't long between when I fell in love with him and when I lost him, and it's all my fault."  
  
Doctor James shakes her head, "I doubt that it is your fault Ellie, but why don't you begin and we can talk more about it after you finish, if you want."  
  
Ashley left early the next morning she and Craig were going to spend the entire day together, making up for lost time Ashley said. I walked her out of the house and within minutes of when she was gone I realized that I didn't want to sit home by myself, to be completely honest I was lonely and since I had started hanging out with people again I hated to be alone again. So I did something I hated done in years, but had loved to do when I was little, I laid down on the sidewalk and stared up at the clouds. I'd always been fascinated by the heavens, I think it had something to do with the fact that I felt like I could escape life on earth if only I could stare long enough.  
  
"Anyone out in the circumstances you were put in has every right to want to be anywhere else." Doctor James informs before Ellie continues.  
  
As if sensing how lonely I was Sean appeared then, he wanted to know what I was doing and when I responded with nothing he asked if he could join me and he did. But I guess that's when things got complicated. To hide the cuts on my arms I always wore arm bands, but I guess while I was getting myself adjusted they had moved too far up my arm. Sean confronted me right away about it, demanding to know exactly where I had gotten so many scratches. So I used the lie that I used whenever I accidently let people see my arm, I blamed my cat, said she was evil like to attack. Sean saw right through it though, he insisted that I didn't need to lie to him that we were friends. That's when I told him that we had never been friends before and that dumb circumstances brought us together. Sean said we could be friends, he said that I could trust him if only I would let myself. I think I was kind of itching for a fight to get out of talking about my arm because I demanded to know how we could be friends if we are lying to everyone. So I told Sean that on Monday we would tell everyone that it was over, I thought Sean was going to disagree at first but then he finally agreed. We laid there for awhile longer but finally Sean got up to leaven and said he would see me at the meeting later that evening.  
  
"Why do you think you did what you did?" Doctor James questions.  
  
Ellie sighs, "I was scared of letting him in, I didn't want him to know anymore about me than he all ready did. He was all ready too close, I though I could be comfortable with that but I guess I wasn't. There was to much pressure and I just couldn't handle it."  
  
"You were scared, it's OK to be scared sometimes." 


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine  
  
"How are you doing Ellie?" Doctor James asks a week later.  
  
Ellie shrugs, "all right I guess."  
  
After Sean left I took a bath, something that I only ever did when I needed privacy to do my cutting. It had been easy to cut when my mom was around because she was never sober enough to invade my privacy but with my dad he was big on the no secrets so the bathroom was only place where I could do it. But for the first time in a long time I didn't cut when I got in the bath, I was to busy thinking about Sean. He was the only one I ever wanted to tell about my cutting, but I had been to scared to tell him anything so I had ruined it. So then I decided that I was going to be strong and actually tell someone on my own free will.   
  
When I got out of the bath I quickly dressed, but for the first time in a long time I left my arm bands off and headed to my meeting.  
  
"That's a brave thing you did." Doctor James comments.  
  
Ellie shrugs.  
  
I actually grabbed a jacket before leaving my house, just top hide the cuts from my father and the other members at the meeting. I was ready to talk to Sean about it but there was no way I was ready to talk to the whole world about it.  
  
"That's all right, the fact that you were ready to talk about it helps."  
  
I managed to catch Sean before he went into the meeting and I asked him if he wanted to go to The Dot with me afterward for to get something to eat and to talk. I know I shocked him with this request, he was probably expecting me never to talk to him again but he agreed. When we walked out of the meeting Sean actually admitted to being surprise by my request, he said he felt bad for prying into something that wasn't any of his business. That's when I told him the truth, that he was the first person I actually felt comfortable enough to talk to about it, I also told him that I felt like I could be completely honest with him. When we got to The Dot and sat down and had our orders taken I took my jacket off and I laid my arms out for Sean to see completely, for once not hiding anything.  
  
"That must have been really hard. " Doctor James states when Ellie comes to a pause in her story.  
  
Ellie nods, "it was. I hadn't been 100% honest with anyone for a long time, since my mother started drinking at least. And I felt really relieved that I could be that way with someone, but at the same time I was terrified, baring my soul for someone was never something I thought I could do. And then I did, and for the most part it had disastrous results."  
  
"But none of it was your fault." Doctor James assures quickly.  
  
"The circumstances were the way they were because I put Sean into them. If it wasn't for me I have the feeling that Sean might not be in prison right now, and I probably wouldn't be in a mental institution."  
  
"Ellie you shouldn't be talking like that, it's not helpful."  
  
"Maybe not." Ellie stands up then, "but I think it's the truth." And with her words Ellie hurries out of the room. 


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter 10  
  
Ellie walked into Doctor James' office the next week with her head lowered feeling bad for storming out the week prior, "Ellie come in."  
  
"Doctor James I want to apologize for the way I acted last week. I tend to get over-emotional when it comes to Sean and what happened."  
  
"You have every right to be upset Ellie, but you can't blame yourself. If there is any conclusion I've wanted you to reach is that nothing that happened in your life was your fault."  
  
"Sometimes I feel that way, sometimes I know it's not my fault and sometimes I think it's all my fault."  
  
Sean didn't say anything for a long time so to fill in the silence I started talking. I told him about how Paige found out and urged me to see help, and I was in counciling until my mom died. But then about how I didn't continue to go anymore because I didn't want my father to know but I also couldn't stop. I explained to him about how whenever things got to out of control or too stressful I just couldn't help myself, that it just consumed me. I had to stop then, I wasn't sure if I could continue but Sean urged me to do it saying he wouldn't judge me, but he also said that if I didn't want to go on he wasn't pressuring me either. It calmed me down, it even sort of relaxed me and it made me realize that I had control over what Sean would know and what he wouldn't. I didn't really have a whole lot more to say on the topic, just about how I was coping now, what still drove me to do it and when I was done Sean stated that he wanted to help. That's when Craig and Ashley walked in. Sean saw them before I did, and I didn't understand what he was doing at first when he leaned forward and gently covered my arms with his. Ashley and Craig came over and they made some small talk for awhile, I was barely breathing but Sean remained calm, besides both Craig and Ashley were so excited that they were back together that they didn't really take in any thing around them. Eventually though when a table became available they went to their own table. I let out a deep breath and Sean suggested that maybe we go for walk where there weren't so many people. Relieved I agreed and Sean helped me put my jacket on and he took my shaking hand into his and we walked out of the Dot, and the instant we were safely around the corner I burst into tears.  
  
Ellie seems to be holding back tears at this point and she shakes her head almost as if to tell them to go away, "I don't want to talk about the rest now."  
  
"That's all right Ellie." Doctor James responds soothingly. "We will continue this next week, and we will take it as slow as you need to."  
  
"All right, thanks Doctor James." Ellie stands up and moves toward the door her head hung low as she wipes at the tears on her cheek. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven  
  
When Ellie walked into therapy a week later her face was expressionless, the pain that had been there a week ago gone and replaced by nothingness.  
  
"Hello Ellie." Doctor James greets.  
  
"Hello Doctor James. " Ellie responds obviously having a hard time trying to keep any emotion out of her voice.  
  
"So are we ready to begin?" Doctor James questions.  
  
Ellie shrugs, "sure, fine."  
  
She was shocked when I burst into tears, I don't think he was used to girls crying in front of him. But he seemed to figure out what to do pretty quickly and he pulled me into a tight hug. I apologized quickly and I told him that I was always so afraid that people would find out about my cutting. But then I was embarrassed about crying in front of him so I turned around quickly and all the way back to my house. I managed to quickly field my father's questions about my meeting, telling him that it was fine and that I was worn out from it and I just wanted to sleep. The instant I got to my room I pulled a razor out from under a pile of clothes but before I could pull it across my skin the doorbell rang within seconds Sean walked into my room. God, I was so embarrassed and Sean knew that from the start and he immediately told me not to be. He took the razor out of my hand and he told me that he wanted to know every aspect of me and of my life.  
  
"Sounds like you were really starting to have an effect on Sean." Doctor James comments.  
  
Ellie nods but then quickly shakes her head, "But that's the point, I didn't want to have any effect on Sean."  
  
I tried to protest against this, but Sean wouldn't have anything to do with that so before I could say anything else he pulled me into his arms and he kissed me right on the mouth.  
  
Ellie wraps her arms around herself then and her turns her face away from Doctor James so that she can no longer see Ellie's expression, "would you like to end now?" Doctor James asks.  
  
Ellie nods, "please."  
  
"All right, but Ellie you have to understand that you are allowed to expression emotion."  
  
"Maybe Doctor James, but I've never expressed emotion well before, I should be going." Ellie's voice is full of emotion now.  
  
"All right Ellie, I will see you next week." 


	12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve  
  
When Ellie walked into Doctor James' office she looked almost worse than she had when she had come to the hospital nearly a year before. Almost reading Doctor James' thoughts she held out her arms stating, "see, I am getting better. No cutting for 6 months, I was able to resist this entire week, that's not to see that this week hasn't been hard."  
  
"Why do you think this week has been so hard?" Doctor James asks.  
  
Ellie takes a deep calming breath, "because I am starting to relive every detail."  
  
"You've put most of these memories away so that's understandable. Why don't you tell me why you are facing all of these now?"  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "I have to live in the past before I can live in the future right?"  
  
"I don't know about that, but if that's what you think you must do then I want you to do whatever will make this as easy as possible."  
  
I don't actually know how long we kissed for but my father came in interrupting by clearing his throat. This freaked Sean out, I guess with the relationship he has with his father having my father walk in on our first kiss..probably not the best thing. So he did what I did earlier that night, he bolted. Before I could go after him my father stated that we had to talk so we sat down on my bed and my father explained how he didn't have a problem with my having a boyfriend, or even with him coming over. All he wanted to make sure was that there were no lies between us, and he stressed the fact that there were no lies between us and he also said that he would like to get to know Sean also. So I agreed not only because I had to but because after what I had been through with my mom a stable relationship with my dad was exactly what I wanted and what I needed. And then I asked if I could go after Sean and my father agreed and apologized for scaring him off. I caught up with him quickly, he hadn't really gotten far just down the road, I quickly told him that it was all right and that my dad wasn't mad. I told him he could come back with me and meet my dad but before he could even say anything....  
  
Ellie takes a deep shaking breath before continuing.  
  
Before Sean could say anything Jay showed up and he was saying things, mostly to get a rise out of Sean, about how he had converted to be a goody goody and he would never amount to anything and they continued to mock Sean...  
  
"I'm done." Ellie states suddenly.  
  
Doctor James stares at Ellie, she's not surprised in almost a year Ellie had probably only said Jay's name two or three times. "All right Ellie."  
  
"I'm leaving now." Ellie states on her feet all right, "I'll see you next week." 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen  
  
"You ended fairly briefly at our last meeting." Doctor James comments when Ellie walks into her office a week later, "we can start back slowly."  
  
Ellie shakes her head, "I just want to get this over with, all right?"  
  
Doctor James nods, "all right Ellie, whenever you would like to begin."  
  
Jay continued going on and on to Sean about how he was letting the "little woman" control his life and that that was the reason that Sean hadn't been hanging out with Jay and his gang. Sean and Jay looked like they were on the verge of fighting but then Jay said that he knew that Sean was better than to let a woman take control of what he did and didn't do.   
  
"Jay sounds like a jerk." Doctor James interrupt.   
  
Ellie nods, "he terrorized everyone that he thought wasn't worthy, and that basically included everyone but him and his friends."  
  
That's when Jay invited Sean to come with them, they were going to get something to drink, get drunk off their asses and hang out. Without a second look Sean agreed and all he did was call over his shoulder "later Ellie" to me and then he was gone.   
  
"That had to've hurt." Doctor James comments.  
  
"It did," Ellie agrees, "but at that moment I think I was more disappointed in him then hurt or angry."  
  
Sean walked up to me Monday, he said that he wanted to talk to me about what had happened on Saturday night. But I was still so angry at him for blowing me off, so I told him that I didn't want to talk to him nor did I have anything to say to him and I ignored him until he went away. Ashley and Paige were standing right there at that moment and the sudden change in our relationship had naturally sparked their curiosity. So I told them that Sean and I broke up the night before and Ash and Paige wanted to know why but all I cared to divulge was that Sean was a jerk and were just didn't work well together. They both wanted to comfort me but I didn't want to hear it so I slammed my locker shut and walked away from them mid-sentence. When the bell rang I hid in the bathroom and locked myself and I cut until my nerves were calmer and I felt less like I was going to cry. I missed most of my class so I left school early and I headed to my internship, the one thing I still actually enjoyed.   
  
Walking home from my internship though everything changed. Walking home Jay and his crowed, without Sean, materialized all around me. They were saying terrible things to me, things I've tried to forget and I only remember in my nightmares. When I tried to get away Jay grabbed me and told me that because I was such a seductive slut Sean had dropped them, said they weren't worth his time...the next thing I knew I was on the ground.  
  
By this time Ellie's entire body is wracked with sobs and Doctor James walks over to her wrapping her arms around Ellie warmly whispering, "it'll be all right," as encouragement. But by this time it's to late and Ellie is gasping for breath.   
  
"I...I can't..." Is all Ellie can gasp out.  
  
"It's all right Ellie." Doctor James states before pressing the nurse call button, "I'm going to have the nurse give you a light sedative so that you can calm down and we will finish this next week." 


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen   
  
When Ellie walked into Doctor James' office the next week she looked better, stronger, more confident. "Hello." Ellie's voice is softer than it had been in the last couple months but overall it looked like she had been sleeping better.  
  
"Hello Ellie, how are you this week? " Doctor James questions.  
  
"I'm hanging in there." Ellie responds honestly, "this week has been week of conclusions I suppose. My friend Paige came for a visit, she helped me reach a few conclusions. But I want to talk about them after I finish my story, because I want this to be my last session, I've filled out the petition for consented release."  
  
Doctor James nods, "I received the papers this morning, why don't we see how this session goes today before I give any definite answers."  
  
Ellie nods, "that's what my dad said."  
  
I woke up, what I found out later, twelve hours later. I was sore all over and I just knew, deep down innately, that I had been raped along with beaten badly. My dad was right there when I woke up and I burst into tears as soon as he hugged me tightly. I wasn't sobbing just crying quietly into my dad's shoulder like a little kid who had their favorite baby blanket thrown away because it was getting to old, because I knew that my last bit of innocence was gone. I finally calmed myself down enough to look my father in the face and when I looked at him I could tell that something else was going on, I could tell that he was trying hard to hide something. He didn't want to tell me at first, he told me he would tell me later when I was feeling better, but I just threw his "no lies" policy back in his face. It took him a long time to get it out, he gently took my hand and took a few deep breath before telling me what exactly had happened. He told me that while I was being raped, it took him nearly 5 minutes to get the word out, Sean showed up. Immediately all concerns for myself went out the door and I asked how Sean was, knowing that he and Jay must have fought. My dad quickly assured me that Sean was fine, a little beaten up but HE was fine. As much as I didn't want to know I had to ask about Jay then, knowing that my dad was trying to make a point. He was silent for nearly 10 minutes before he states "Ellie, Jay's dead." He continued to tell me that while the other guys had scattered Jay and Sean fought and that it had been an accident but Jay was dead and Sean had been taken into custody. That's when I got hysterical, a lot like what happened last week, but a nurse rushed in an had to give me a pretty strong sedative to calm me down...  
  
Ellie takes a deep breath, "I guess that's it."  
  
"What exactly happened to Sean, Ellie?" Doctor James questions.  
  
Ellie bites her lip, "Sean was convicted of murder in the 3rd degree (is that the one where it's unintentional?). Even though he unintentionally killed Jay, defending me and himself, Sean still had to go to jail with the easiest sentence he could have gotten. Three years in juvenile, a year in prison with the option for parole after that."  
  
Doctor James quickly calculates, "which puts him up for parole any time."  
  
Ellie nods, "he applied and he gets out this weekend."  
  
"That's why you want out of here."  
  
Ellie nods, "that's right. I want to be the one to pick Sean up from prison."  
  
"Tell me what conclusions you came to when Paige came for a visit."  
  
"She made me realize that things happened, she was raped also and that sometimes circumstances are against you. That Jay made the choice to rape me and that Sean made the choice to defend me, that none of this was my fault and I shouldn't blame yourself. People have been telling me this for a years but I think that the 3 suicide attempts in 2 years would tell you that it has never sunk in until now, I think it was because I was ready to hear it."  
  
"That's probably right and I think, assuming you come back for your weekly sessions, I can sign your forms to get out of here to see Sean."  
  
Ellie stands up and hugs her psychiatrist of 2 years.  
  
~*~THE END~*~  
  
AN: I know you guys were probably hoping to see Sean and I actually had planned to show the scene where she meets up with him again but then I realized that this story was more about Ellie forgiving herself then about Sean and Ellie. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it...maybe I will do a stand alone fic with Ellie and Sean. 


End file.
